The Happy Days of the Akatsuki
by WTH98
Summary: The Akatsuki have a nice ordinary day in their hideout. But what is normal for them, is quite disturbing for many sane people out there! It is NOT a oneshot, rated T for drugs and violence. 4th chapter FINALLY up!
1. In the beginning

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto in any way, shape, form, or mass. If I did Sakura would be dead.**

Well this is my first story on Will I make it? Well… that's up to you

* * *

It was a normal, ordinary day for the Akatsuki. There were no battles, no crazy chases after Jinchiuriki, nor Akatsuki members dead… yet… 

But still an ordinary day for the Akatsuki was one heck of a day for any normal person. Even breakfast was an ordeal that would cause any ordinary person to go insane. But the Akatsuki members were not ordinary, or normal, or social. Some weren't even human! And so the happy days of the Akatsuki began...

It all started at 3:00 AM Sunday; while Hidan was praying, and Deidara was out on the town (meaning that he went to some fancy art show to display his works and blew everyone up when they said his art was bad). The rest of the members were having a late night session watching reruns of Star Trek: The Next Generation.

" The original is way better than this, " said Kakuzu. " Kirk rules!" Itachi glared at the tentacle-person thing, and he almost instantly shut up.

"Besides, " said Pein haughtily. "Everyone knows that Deep Space Nine was the best one, am I right?" Everyone nodded, not wanting to anger their most powerful, glorious, and handsome leader. (Even the author is scared of him).

Zetsu watched for a few more seconds, then turned to Kakuzu, who was trying to take a wallet left on the kitchen counter. His tentacles were seconds from reaching it, when Itachi suddenly spun, a kunai whistling through the air! Kakuzu screamed like a little girl and fainted when the kunai ripped off the tentacle, forgetting he could just re-attach it with his strings.

Itachi laughed evilly, forgetting his asthma and began to cough uncontrollably, hacking up spit and spraying Zetsu, who for some reason related to photosynthesis, liked it. The coughing caused Kisame, who actually enjoyed The Next Generation, to get irritated and turn up the volume, so Picard's voice boomed throughout the room.

"SOME ONE TURN THAT THING OFF!" Came the shout of Hidan from the "smoke" room as the Akatsuki called it. Before the Akatsuki took the base, the room had been a drug storage room. Hidan said that the scent was very similar to that of his temple which should tell you… something…

"AH SHUT UP DRUGGIE!" Kisame decided to turn up the volume more just to annoy Hidan. A giant explosion on screen rocked the whole base, and caused children for miles around to wake up suddenly, with their eyes eerily wide and horror music playing, a howling noise filling their ears, the scent of death-

"Stop it with the Edgar Allen Poe knock off Zetsu!" Came the Authors voice from somewhere below them. All of the Akatsuki members looked around in shock for a few seconds (Except for Pein, who owned the Author and all his miserable fanfics) and then shrugged and went back to being, er, normal.

Hidan burst into the room, reeking of crack, and pointed his weird three-bladed scythe at Kisame. "Stop interrupting my holy sniffing of holy powder!" Tobi started laughing, while Pein made a mental note to run a scan of Hidan's room with Itachi.

"And who's going to make me?" Kisame taunted. Suddenly the three-bladed scythe was in Hidan's arm, causing Kisame to scream out in pain with his arm bleeding. Suddenly, Kakuzu woke up and weakly whimpered in Hidan's direction. "Hidan you moron, my blood is still being used for that ritual!" And then Kakuzu fainted like a girl again.

Pein watched Kisame and Hidan trade insults and bodily harm, until another explosion rocked the base, and suddenly Pein snapped.

"All of you stop… or you DIE!!!" Suddenly, lightning started forming in the sky, and everything around Pein suddenly burst into a pink flame. Even the author started cowering as he wrote what happened next.

"Hurry people!", the scared author cried from below them. " Kiss and make up!" There was a short pause. "Gross not what you're thinking Zetsu!" --

And so Hidan and Kisame quickly stopped fighting. Itachi stopped coughing, because Pein is just that powerful! Kakuzu dragged himself into a closet and fainted again so Pein wouldn't annihilate him for making the floor look messy. Sasori, who hadn't been doing anything but didn't want to die, volunteered to cook breakfast. Zetsu even agreed to help Tobi with his math homework!

And so Pein calmed down, gave Tobi his math homework, and went to bed. Everyone went off to do their duty or go to sleep of sniff "holy powder". The author sighed in relief, and went to bed as well. All was fine… for all of 10 minutes…

* * *

Well that's my intro/first chapter! Please R&R, I don't mind flames, but constructive criticism is prefered. 


	2. Cullinary Disaster

**All right, 1 review! Now lets see if we can get more shall we?**

Hope you enjoy!

* * *

About ten minutes after Pein's "episode", almost everyone was in bed, except for Sasori, who was cooking breakfast, Tobi and Zetsu, who were finishing up the math homework, and Hidan. Need I explain what he was doing? Oh yeah, and Kakuzu was in the closet with a severe concussion.

"Zetsu-san, are we done yet," asked the masked boy. "I'm tired, and I'm a good boy, and Hidan made me laugh…" Zetsu sighed. How did they even get someone as young as Tobi into the Akatsuki in the first place? "Come on Zetsu-san can we go to bed pleaseeeee?" Tobi began whining, and flailing his arms around, hitting Zetsu repeatedly on the head.

"Oh now I remember." The white half of his face or "Anna" as the Akatsuki members referred her as said (Yes, yes, half of Zetsu is a girl "Shudder"). "Tobi is a master at interrogation, especially against people aged 30 and up!" The black half of his face, or "Bob" grunted, and Zetsu quietly sneaked out of the room while Tobi ranted on about nothing in particular.

Diedara (Who was at the art show), entered the base laden down with gifts the artists at the convention had given him on the grounds that he never return. "Another day, another art show I'm banned from, hn," he cheerfully said to himself. Besides, there were about 6 more he hadn't been banned from… yet.

Diedara moved to the kitchen, where his partner Sasori was cooking breakfast. This intrigued Diedara, as he had never seen Sasori cook. He stood there for a second more, then put his gifts next to a shriveled up tentacle-like thing on the ground.

"Hey Sasori, I didn't know you could cook, hn." he said as he moved into the kitchen. It was large and spacious, but they had found a mysterious stain on the wall, along with cuffs. They had never figured out the purpose of the room, but in Diedara's opinion, some things are better left forgotten.

Sasori looked up from the giant wooden pan he was cooking with and smiled. "Diedara, how nice to see you!" He gestured at the pot. " Pein had an "episode" again, so I decided to cook so I wouldn't die!" He returned to the pot.

"Sasori-san, no offence… but that's a wok you're cooking with." Diedara pointed at the wok, aggravating his hand-mouths, causing them to start barking like dogs. "No Rex, no!" "Stop damn it stop!" The hands finally calmed down, but not before Zetsu entered the room, hoping a stray puppy had wandered in.

"No Zetsu, there are no dogs to eat!" Sasori said, knowing why the plant-guy thing had rushed over. Zetsu sighed, then Anna spoke up. "How is breakfast Sasori?" Half of Zetsu queried. Sasori pointed at Diedara.

"Apparently, I'm cooking with a Chinese dish!" Sasori pouted, then he turned to his pan. "So much for scrambled pigs head kiesh…" Zetsu and Diedara both looked up at this.

"Wha???" They both exclaimed, their mouths hitting the floor at precisely the same moment. The author stared at them for a few minutes from "below" then shrugged and returned to the story.

"Yeah, look at the cookbook!" Sasori pointed at the opened pink book in front of him. Zetsu walked over, as Diedara's brain seemed to have stopped working. Actually, Anna's brain had shut down as well, but Bob was ok, so he continued for her. Zetsu examined the cookbook (Well… technically, half of Zetsu did), then turned to Sasori.

"You IDIOT!" Zetsu shouted at the puppet-nin. "You skipped a page, and mixed up scrambled eggs and German pig head kiesh!" Sasori looked into the wok, then sighed and closed the cookbook.

"Looks like I wasted 10 minutes for nothing…" Sasori left, forgetting that the burner was still on, and the moment he stepped out of the doorframe, the wok burst into flame.

"OH MY GOD, FIRE!" Diedara shouted, his stupor broken. He responded as he naturally responded to crises: he blew up a bomb next to the problem source. Unfortunately, this only feed the flames, causing Diedara to run out of the room screaming. At this point, Zetsu had been set aflame, and had fainted, much like Kakuzu only 11 and ½ minutes ago.

Tobi entered the kitchen at this point, looking for Zetsu so he could complain to him more. At the sight of the fire, Tobi was mesmerized, just like little kids in front of a fireplace. He sat there, oblivious to the extreme danger he was in as the fire randomly burned stuff around him. Kisame had been woken by Diedara and Sasori's screaming, and he went down to find out what as going on.

Kisame entered the inferno, just as it was about to set Tobi on fire. Kisame wondered whether he should save Tobi or not. I mean, he was REALLY annoying to him. "Eh, would take to long to explain." Kisame made the hand signs, then shouted, "Sution: Suigadan!" (Lit. Water Release: Water Fang Bullet). A huge jet of water doused the fire, and also gave Tobi brainfreeze for some inexplicable reason.

Zetsu woke up, half of him blackened by the fire (ironically, the half Anna, his white head, controlled was the blackened one). Zetsu looked at Kisame then went over to embrace him.

"Thank you for saving me Kisame-san." Anna was about to hug him and Bob about to gag, but Tobi suddenly started complaining.

"Zetsu-san, I'm hungry, my head hurts, I'm a good boy, my voice feels overused…" Tobi droned on and on, not noticing that the two had already sneaked out. After repeating the same list of complaints 3 times over, Tobi finally gave up and went back to do his math homework.

Hidan, who had not noticed anything that had happened due to his extreme high, wandered into the kitchen, staggering about randomly until he came upon the burnt wok that had survived for reasons we will never know.

"Wush thish!" Hidan hiccuped (apparently beer also reminded him of his religion), and reached into the wok. He pulled out a small bit of meat that hadn't melted into the wok and licked it.

Hidan's anguished shout rang throughout the base for minutes on end, replaced by an unusual retching noise.

* * *

Lol, poor Hidan has SUFFERED!

Keep on R&R'ing, 3rd chapter should be out in about a week.


	3. And there were none

Right well here's Chapter 3. I'm sorry but stuff will be coming out later now as schools beginning to become a problem, so expect a chapter every 3 weeks or so.

* * *

It was early morning, and no one was happy. The kitchen was all but destroyed. Tobi **STILL **hadn't finished his math homework. Hidan had to be sent to the emergency room for simultaneous cases of drug overdose and food poisoning. No one could find Kakuzu, and Sasori had locked himself into a closet so no one would find him and kill him for destroying the kitchen. 

"This sucks, hn…" Deidara said. Everyone nodded, then returned to their search for Kakuzu. Konan fainted upon finding his shriveled tentacle on the living room floor a minute later. Sighing, they transported her to a another closet and placed her inside. Deidara's stomach growled, and he groaned.

"I need breakfast, I skipped dinner for the art show, hn." He complained. Tobi, upon hearing this, remembered he was going to complain and started to.

"Zetsu-san, I'm hungry, when's breakfast, I still cant figure out 2 plus 2, I need to use the bathroom…" Tobi began ranting. The others glared at Deidara, who shrugged. They picked up Tobi, who like a helpless baby continued to whine while they manhandled him downstairs.

"Damn, were running out of closets," Zetsu said. Anne's half suggested Hidan's room, they all agreed. After a two hour wrestling match with Tobi requiring Deidara to use level C-3 bombs (and blow a huge hole through the wall in the process), and Zetsu to consume one of Tobi's legs, they finally got Tobi in and locked the door.

"My head hurts, my eyes are all spinny, there's a terrible draft in he-…" Was as far as Tobi got before the fumes knocked him unconscious. He fell face first into Hidan's "holy bowl". Luckily, he had a mask on. And so he peacefully dreamed about 2 plus 2 equaling 3.14 for quite a while.

The rest were still searching for whatever closet Kakuzu was in. Itachi suggested using the Mangyeko Sharingan. The others shook their heads and Zetsu reminded him.

"Remember what happens whenever you use the Sharingan?" Zetsu queried. "You go into a maniacal rage and use the Tsukiyomi on the two nearest human/plant/fish/good boys!" Zetsu nodded wisely then left the group to search the West Wing of the hideout.

"Hehehe," the most humble writer laughed from below. "The hideout is waiting for its next prisoner." "Only Pein shall not be targeted by the hideout of… trapping stuff…" The author laughed, then returned to his typewriter. The hit list on his desk read "Itachi" next. So be it!

Itachi was wandering the 3-room bathroom (don't ask) looking for a mini towel to wash his hands with. But in his search, he accidentally closed and locked the door. He found the towel and washed his hands, singing "Caramlldansen" in Japanese. It sounded truly awful.

"Now to go find…" Itachi took a dramatic pause, looking very intense. "… Kakuzu…" Itachi moved to go out, but bumped into the door. "What is this, this…"

Another dramatic pause followed. "… Barrier." He tried to open it, but turned it the wrong way. Thinking it was locked, he banged on the door. "HELP!!!" Came his shout. But no one heard him, as they had started up a game of cribbage and were shouting at each other over whose move was first.

Now it was Deidara's turn to "wander off", if you know what I mean. He sneaked away from the game while Pein was lecturing the remaining others about "fair play" while moving the pieces as they hung their heads in shame. Actually they clearly saw him, but no one wanted to make him angry.

Deidara went up to his room, where he played World of Warcraft behind everyone's backs using Kakuzu's credit card (one of the reasons he avoided contact with Kakuzu at all costs). He had a level 62 Troll **female **(…) Hunter, and was raiding Hellfire Ramparts today (you have no idea what I just said do you). But then, he stumbled into Hidan's room instead! Seriously… that's just sad.

"What the… hn…" Deidara moaned out before he collapsed from the fumes, which was being enhanced by the shoe polish on Tobi's mask (again don't ask). The fumes quickly spread outside the base, eventually spreading to the remaining untapped members, causing them to faint. In the end, only Pein was left. Dragging the unconscious bodies of Zetsu and Kisame (the ones left with Pein) to a closet, he then departed the scene to go rabbit hunting with his old friend, Elmer Fudd. In reality, he was watching TV and pretending to be hunting rabbits, but don't mention it to Pein ok?

And then there were none… except everyone.

* * *

R & R, hope you enjoyed! 


	4. Trapped in the DriveThru

Note: I apologize for the extreme delay between chapter, as I've been busy for a while and haven't had the chance to log onto fanfiction (and I kind of forgot as well)

**Note: **I apologize for the extreme delay between chapter, as I've been busy for a while and haven't had the chance to log onto fanfiction (and I kind of forgot as well). As such, I'm attempting to overhaul my story, with a chapter coming out every week if at all possible.

Thank you to those who have stayed with me the whole time!

This chapter was inspired by Weird-Al Yankovic's song Trapped at the Drive- Thru, because that song was awesome. Also featuring a crossover-cameo from another anime!!

* * *

It was noon now, and the paramedics were just finishing up in the Akatsuki hideout. They actually frequented the hideout, and knew the phone number of the place, 1-800-867-5309, by heart. A nurse was finishing running diagnostics for Tobi, who had been close to death via unwilling drug-overdose. Deidara was no better off, having nearly drowned in Hidan's "Holy bottle", which contained 100 alcohol, like the kind used in cleaning infections.

Fate would have it that Kakuzu still couldn't be found, as his closet had been blocked off by rubble caused when Deidara detonated his C-3 bomb to stun Tobi earlier. Police dogs had been barking at it, but they dismissed this because Deidara had thrown bacon into his C-3 bomb for some inexplicable reason. Sasori had been found by Pein, and moved to the "basement" for destroying the kitchen. The paramedics were still having trouble blocking out his screams, but they managed.

The rest had been safely recovered with only minor injury (one paramedic asked why Zetsu was black all over, Pein responded by heading to the basement, a few minutes later he returned and Sasori's screams were higher in pitch and decibel). Pein had lectured them on how to escape a closet, though he was unable to explain why they couldn't find Kakuzu, so he gave up and invited everyone to join him in watching _Days of our Lives._ Everyone gleefully accepted, following him and in the process, trampling Tobi, who had been laid out in the middle of the hall by paramedics.

Back to the present, the nurse finished Tobi's diagnostic, which read that his IQ had actually increased to a normal humans as a result of the drug-overdose. Moments after making this shocking discovery however, his IQ began ping-ponging back and forth between 2 and 200. Slightly disturbed by this development, the nurse simply left. The paramedics made one last run of the hideout, then moved out as well.

"Such nice people," said Itachi after the paramedics had left. Everyone nodded in agreement, then turned to the TV, where a commercial for new-brand Flori-Clean, the best thing since Oxy-Clean (if anyone got that reference to the Periodic Table of Elements without consulting a model of one, give yourself a cookie) was showing. They watched mesmerized by the fast-acting miracle of fluoride compounds dissolving dirt (and for that matter, the carpet the dirt was on).

"I'm kinda hungry," Konan retorted after the commercial stopped. Everyone nodded in agreement again then turned back to the TV. "Could we go out for a bite, since Sasori destroyed the kitchen?" A wail came up from the "basement".

"Silence down there, your being punished!" Pein shouted back. They heard a slight sobbing noise from the basement, then quiet. The only thing they could hear was the TV, where an advertisement for nothing at all was running.

"_Nothing at all. Because you're worth it"._ The voice in the TV proclaimed. Everyone stared for a few more seconds, then Pein finally spoke up

"I vote we go get take-out." "Who's with me?" Everyone agreed with Pein's ideas, then went to their separate rooms (or in Kisame's case, aquarium) to change so they could go out. About ten minutes later, they all met up in the living room, all dressed and ready to go. Well… most of them.

"Why the hell are you wearing a kilt Deidara?" Itachi asked. They stared at the man-skirt, which seemed to be made out of some kind of fur (don't ask I say don't ask).

"It's all that survived the fire in the kitchen, hn!" Deidara extorted. They heard a crying noise from the basement, and Pein groaned. They all sat there for a minute looking really intense. The moment was then broken by an explosion on TV, which rang through the base. The vibration disturbed the ruins of Hidan's room, and an awful smell like crack and shoe-polish filled the room.

"Let's get out of here!" Exclaimed Konan. Everyone rushed out the door, forgetting Pein's wallet on the counter (he has most of the money in the group). Deidara's man-skirt was whipped up in the wind, leaving quite a mental impression on Konan and Itachi, both of whom were behind Deidara. Poor guys. They got into the Akatsuki Machine, a van painted black and red in the styling of the Mystery Machine. With Tobi's head hanging out of the window, slobbering like a dog, they took off for the nearest town, Iwagakure (Village Hidden in the Stones).

While in the traffic of the highway, Pein turned on the radio and some random heavy metal song sprung forth. The base waves of the radio pushed up Deidara's man-skirt again, giving the people **in front **of him **quite** a mental image (Zetsu, Kisame, and Tobi). "Wow, Deidara-senpai has such a small-" Tobi uttered, until both Deidara and Kisame started throttling Tobi. Unfortunately, a pedestrian spots them, and thinking they're assaulting a young boy (especially since Deidara's… yeah… was showing to the pedestrians' point of view), he calls the police, who arrive and arrest the group.

As such, they were delayed for an hour while the police cleared Kisame, Deidara, and Tobi (his slobber caused a pile-up on the highway and caused three deaths). They had trouble when they got to Tobi, since he had no file for some weird reason. As such, they were forced to send Tobi to jail for manslaughter. Pein and the group contemplated breaking Tobi out in the parking lot of the Jail.

"Eh, it would take to long." Itachi muttered. The others agreed with him, especially Deidara, who was still seething at Tobi's comment about his manhood. They boarded the Akatsuki Machine, and left the parking lot of the police station, bound for the local Ninja Burger. A traffic jam that had resulted from the aforementioned pile-up kept them waiting for two more hours.

"Finally, were here!" Kisame exclaimed. Everyone basked in the radiance of artery-clogging fast food, reflecting on the fact that it had taken them two hours to reach the Ninja Burger when they could see it from the police station's parking lot. They pulled up to the drive-thru, where a small line had built up. Everyone contemplated on his or her order for a few seconds then told it to Pein so he could tell the lady in the speaker.

"I'll have a hamburger, extra onions," Konan said.

"I'd like the Double-Fire Style special burger, easy on the hot sauce," Itachi murmured.

"Just get me a glass of water," Kisame said, looking increasingly dehydrated by the moment.

"And I'll get the Picasso special, you know with the free play-doh?" Deidara excitedly said.

Pein memorized their orders, then drove up to the speaker window. He repeated everyone's orders into the speaker, one at a time. The voice was marred by static however, so Pein couldn't really hear what it was saying.

"_zzzzzz_… sir, we're out…._zzzzz…zz…_doh." Pein took this as saying they were out of play-doh. He told Deidara this, and Deidara started fuming. Pein shrugged and took his order, a Whopper with extra onions but no mustard. The voice then spoke again.

"Sir, I already said…_zzzzzzz…zzzz…_out…_zzzz…_ doh." Pein sighed, sometimes voices could be so stubborn. He started moving the car forward, oblivious to the voice-box, which then repaired itself for no identifiable reason and blurted out, "I said it already sir, were out of onions and only have green play-doh!" And so the stage was set…

* * *

The Akatsuki Machine inched forward in the line, cars in front of and behind it. Kisame was getting desperately thirsty, so Itachi knocked him out so he'd stop whining. They pushed him into the back, which was taken up by a giant water bed (…), and continued on their way.

Finally, the group reached the pay window, or whatever you call it. A girl, 16 by the look of it, sat there, a blank stare on her face. Her hair was a darkish-purple, and she wore glasses. Her nametag was blank. She looked at them, then motioned for Pein to pay.

Pein reached into his pocket, and was quite shocked when his hands came up empty. Pein looked shifty for a second then decided to be straight up with the girl. "We don't have any money." He bluntly said. Pein stood there for a moment, wondering if he was going to have to hurt the girl. Her response was quite a surprise.

"Ok," she muttered. She pulled out a book, then got up and left. Pein and the group sat there for a minute, stunned by what they had witnessed, or more accurately, _had not_ witnessed. Konan tapped Pein on the shoulder, reminding him to go. And so they did, inching up the line again.

And now they were at the pick-up booth, where their meal would arrive on a conveyor belt. Unfortunately, their slight delay made them miss their order, which slid back into the building. "Don't worry," Deidara said. "I've been here before, so I know that the food comes back if you miss it. They sat there for a minute, twiddling their thumbs.

"Ok, I'm bored now!" Itachi exclaimed. They decided to have a game of cribbage, and Pein pulled out the board. Five minutes into the game, Pein started lecturing the others on fair play while moving the pieces, just like what had happened only hours ago. As a result, they missed their meal again.

"Damn it!" Pein exclaimed. Rapidly losing his patience, he ordered Konan to peruse the meal and bring it back to them. She folded herself up into a paper airplane, and went inside the conveyor belt. It was surprisingly well lit, and she found their meals in no time. But what she had forgotten was that in paper form, she had no digits with which she could pick up and transport the meals. As such, she was forced to sit there until the meal emerged again.

But the guys had gotten into **another** game of cribbage, as such Konan was trapped in the drive-thru, quite literally. After two more passes stuck in the meal, Pein finally remembered and got the meal this time. Konan switched back to human form.

"Took you long enough," Itachi chided. The next thing he saw was Konan on top of him, strangling the bloody hell out of him. Pein and Deidara idly watched the two tussle, and Itachi was pretty close to actually dying, until Konan finally released him. With a grunt, he got up, only to get kicked in the face and knocked out by Konan. She grumpily got into her seat, and even Pein avoided angering her.

At last, after two hours, fifty-seven minutes, and three seconds, they had their lunch. But when Pein and Konan found their burgers without onions, they went on a violent rampage. People fled before them as they tore up half of Iwagakure, then had a nice picnic in an onion field. Deidara, the only one left who wasn't knocked out or rampaging, was surrounded by a gaggle of people laughing at his manskirt, trapped in the Akatsuki Machine as it had run out of fuel.

And what of Zetsu you might ask? Well, after surviving the fire and drug-filled air, he felt that he had survived for a reason, and decided to do some community service. He applied at an office (he could actually have seen the Akatsuki Machine in line if he looked hard enough), then was led to a local police station.

"Ok… your assignment is helping out juvenile delinquents better themselves, ok?" Zetsu nodded, and the man led him up to a drab looking cell. "Your first ones in there, you need to help him with his math homework." Zetsu nodded, put on his best face, then went inside.

"Zetsu-san!"

And for months, the policemen couldn't get the screaming out of their heads.

* * *

I felt this was a good chapter! Keep those reviews coming!

P.S The cameo was Yuki Nagato from The Melachony of Haruhi Suzyimia.


End file.
